She is the manager first to respond to a message, even outside of normal business hours. She takes on every project nobody else wants. She quietly rewrites deliverables before they go out, even when she technically does not have to. Her team loves her, leadership loves her, she is the best manager you've ever worked with. And she is running on fumes in a way that will never once show up on paper.
In this solo episode I go deep on a pattern I see repeatedly in my work with high-performing managers, particularly women. This is not about a leadership style or a personality trait. It is about a childhood role that never got put down. And it is quietly running her nervous system every single day at work.
I walk through the psychology of parentification, Murray Bowen's concept of overfunctioning and underfunctioning from family therapy, and why the standard advice, just delegate more, does not just fail these managers. In some cases it actively makes things worse. I also share a composite case study and give both the manager living this pattern and the leaders above her something concrete to do differently.
What you'll learn in this episode:
- What parentification is and the story it writes in a child's brain before they have words to question it
- Why overfunctioning is not a trust problem or a perfectionism problem but an anxiety regulation problem
- Why telling your best manager to delegate more can accidentally deepen the compulsive pattern instead of breaking it
- Three specific ways the standard delegation advice backfires
- What actually helps: the one question to ask before taking something back over
- How to give feedback to a manager like this without triggering the old story that she needs to try harder
CHAPTER TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 Introduction and hook: the manager who seems to handle everything
00:58 What this episode is really about: a childhood role that never got put down
02:10 Parentification: the framework and the story it writes in the brain
03:15 Eldest daughter syndrome: what it is, who it applies to, and why Tess is focusing on women today
04:48 The Sierrico thesis on birth order and caretaking roles, and how they become a management style
05:45 Murray Bowen: overfunctioning and underfunctioning from family therapy
06:30 Why overfunctioning is really about anxiety regulation, not the quality of the work
07:07 Why just delegate more misses the mark and why willpower won't fix a body problem
08:20 Three specific ways telling someone to delegate more backfires
09:25 Meet Rachel: the composite case study and what her day actually looks like
11:20 It does not look like a wound. It looks like competence.
11:41 What actually helps: noticing, pausing, and getting curious before taking back over
12:30 How to give feedback to a manager like Rachel without triggering the old story
13:45 The bottom line: burnout in your best managers is an old role playing out on a new stage
Check Out These Related Episodes:
- Ep 47: The Manager Effect | Why Your Boss Impacts Your Mental Health More Than You Think with Ashley Herd
- Ep 44: The Real Reason HR, Managers, and Employees Are Exhausted
Follow for weekly episodes that aren't just fixing the mess, but teaching you how to live in it. Visit tessbrigham.com for more.
Follow for weekly episodes, and be sure to visit tessbrigham.com to learn more about Tess's work as a licensed therapist and certified coach.
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